Forgiveness

I'm trying hard not to beat myself up. Not so much for letting the time slip by, but more for allowing my relationship with Juniper to go back to the way it was. Second grade has been a difficult adjustment for her. Her first track out wasn't as fun as I had hoped. I let myself get overwhelmed with other things in life. I pray that since she is young, she won't remember most of this. I pray if she does remember, she understands that things happen. Life does get in the way. What I need to do now is forgive myself and try again.

Girl Time

The boys left on Saturday to spend some time with Grammie. Juniper and I were so excited to have some girl time. It was much needed. I've been worried about Juniper lately. Adjusting to 2nd grade and a new teacher has not been easy. She's been more emotional than normal.

So, we did everything she wanted to do. Make-up, games, chocolate. We went to see The Last Airbender at the movies. After, we got McDonald's and had sundaes before dinner. Then, we watched Princess Diaries 2 and had some good laughs. We ended up falling asleep around 11pm in my bed.

In the morning, she made scrambled eggs. The rest of the time we just hung out and waited for the guys to come home. It was so much fun!

Off Track

Somewhere in the last 2 weeks, I've gotten off track, lost my focus. The consequences? Juniper and I have slid back into that rut. I lose my patience quickly, she yells at me and slams her door. To make matters worse, she's been getting in trouble at school. This makes our mornings difficult because she REALLY doesn't want to go to school. It's not fair. Everything I've worked for...I'm so mad at myself.

Next Saturday, Keaton & David are going to spend the night with Grammie. (Thanks, Teresa!) Juniper & I get a girl's night together. What will we do, you ask? I don't care. As long as it involves spending time with my sweet girl and eating chocolate. One of my next tasks is to make a special dinner for her and spend that time focusing on her. We are really looking forward to our time together.

I will try my best to make this week better than it's been. I'll pray for her more, laugh with her more and have more patience.

Day 16...Love Intercedes

Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers. 3 John 2

Today's task was to pray for Juniper's heart, to pray for area's where I desire for God to work in her and our relationship.

I have begun praying for Juniper's mind and heart. She worries a lot so I want the Lord to ease her mind. I also want Him to know in her heart that she is truly loved.

God is so amazing and has really worked wonders in my relationship with Juniper. I've stopped beating myself up for not doing this blog every day. It seems to be working just fine the way I'm doing it.

Day 15...Love is Honorable

This task was to was to show honor and respect by doing things out of normal routine, such as holding the door open for her, helping her put her clothes away, etc. I'm supposed to show Juniper that she is highly esteemed in my eyes.

Okay. I skipped this one and I'll tell you why. Every day I strive to show Juniper respect and to honor her. Since I began this, I can tell that Juniper knows she means the world to me. She's always meant the world to me but now I've shown her that she does.

Day 14...Love Takes Delight

Today's task was to neglect an activity I would normally do to spend some time with Juniper. Something she'd love to do. Just spend time together.

When I woke up this morning, everyone was still asleep, so I showered and Juniper woke up. So she and I went shopping for school supplies. It was so much fun! Just an hour and 1/2 chatting, picking out supplies, choosing a first day of school outfit, etc. I know it doesn't sound like something she'd like to do, but she is so excited about starting 2nd grade. I was so glad I spent that time with her instead of waking up and getting straight to housework.

This evening, I helped her straighten her room up (at her request) and we got to giggling about things. She actually wanted to spend time with me!!! I am just soaring right now!!!

Day 13...Love Fights Fair

If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25

This task was about establishing healthy rules of engagement. I was supposed to discuss with Juniper about fighting fairly.

Okay. I'll be honest with you. I didn't do this task. This is another one of those tasks that works better with a spouse. Juniper knows name calling and/or aggressiveness is not allowed. Yes, she occasionally yells, "You're the worst mother!" or "I don't like you!". Most days I handle this well. Though recently, when she told me I wasn't a good mother, I (without much detail) told her she had no idea what a bad mom was and she should be thankful for the one she has. I understand these words are out of anger and she doesn't mean them. I mean, hey, I have my moments, why can't she?

I, of course, try always to fight fair. I don't insult her or belittle her. I try not to yell. If I find I'm about to get out of control, I take a time out. I just pray we continue behaving this way as she gets older.

On an *AWESOME* note, yesterday I was up at 5am with some bad sinus pain. I moved out into the living room and ended up falling back asleep. I woke up at 8am to Juniper in the kitchen. I just figured, she was getting her breakfast like she usually does. Instead, she was getting me a bowl of cereal and brought it to me in the living room. This made me feel so special! I'm continually amazed at the transformation of our relationship.

Just Keeps Getting Better

We are back from our vacation now. Time to get back on track. Although I did not start any new tasks while we were at the beach, I just continued the ones I have already done.

Juniper and I got to spend some time alone together at the beach. We even went out, got her a hair wrap and I got a henna tattoo. Even since we've been back, she's almost become my shadow. I really love her company and actually look forward to her time off this summer.

The Lord has blessed us with a renewed relationship. I was so worried that it was too late. Luckily, it's not.

Day 12...Love Lets the Other Win

Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:4

This task was to give into an area of disagreement. While this is hard to do with a child, I found just trying not to say "No" as much, did the trick. It was fairly easy to do.

Friday, the night before we left for the beach, Keaton went to bed early. After I finished packing, I let Juniper stay up with us in the living room to watch a new episode of iCarly and Victorious, 2 of her favorite shows. She popped popcorn for us and got drinks for David, herself and I. Then, she and I cuddled on the couch. It was awesome. I loved being able to spend time with her without Keaton. She seemed to really appreciate it.

I need to do more of this. She's a night owl and Keaton isn't. It's the perfect time to get in a little Juniper time! :)

Day 11...Love Cherishes

This task was about meeting a need, choosing a gesture that says "I cherish you."

Today was such a great day, even though Juniper woke me up at 6:30am because of a nightmare. The boys slept in late, so Juniper and I took our time getting her ready for school. No fussing! We even had time to play a game before we went out to wait on the bus. No fussing! When we got to the bus stop, we were joking and having fun. Did I mention there was no fussing?

She got out an hour early today because it's Wednesday (won't miss that next year!). David and Keaton picked her up from school and he took them to visit his mom in Burlington. Juniper called me right before they were about to leave. She told me she missed me so much, that she wished they didn't have a long ride back because she wanted to be home NOW to see me.

For those of you who don't know, Grammie (David's mom), is one of Juniper's favorite people. She doesn't get to see Grammie much, so when she does, it's all about Grammie! For Juniper to call me before they even left Grammie's house, just to tell me she really missed me, was HUGE!!!

Then, when Juniper got home, she ran straight to me to give me a hug and kiss. Usually, it's one of the cats or the dog that gets the first greeting. Tonight, it was my turn to be first! My heart is soaring right now! I'm so excited I could burst!

Random

I know that I am not doing this Love Dare on an everyday basis. At first, I started to feel guilty about this. Then I realized, just because I am not blogging every night, I am still changing the way I treat Juniper or handle certain situations, etc. There are changes being made. In me and in our relationship.

We spent a little one on one time today. I offered to play cards with her but she wanted to do Bible Trivia flash cards instead. Juniper's knowledge of the bible so far amazes me. I am learning things through her. Things I never knew. Jesus had a brother named James? The oldest person in the bible was Methuselah? I always thought that was just a saying and now I know he was a real person. Abraham was 100 when he had a son? How did that play out? Was he extra patient with his son because he waited so long or had he used up all his patience waiting for the Lord to give him the son He promised? (By the way, in looking up how old Methuselah actually was, I learned he was 969 years old AND he was Noah's grandfather. Can't wait to share this trivia with Junie!)

I am looking forward to tomorrow. Juniper and I are going with my mom, my sister and my niece to get pedicures in preparation for our annual beach trip. We have really been looking forward to this girl time. Makes me feel good that she is excited about spending this time with me. Of course, getting pampered in definitely a plus!

Day 10...Love is Unconditional

God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

Today's task was to do something out of the ordinary to demonstrate the joy of having Juniper in my life. It's been a few days since I've written because life happens. In response to this, I tried to do something everyday for the last few days.

The things I did for her weren't huge things. Mostly little things that I know mean SO MUCH to her. We went to her Meet the Teacher st school tonight to meet her teacher for next year. I left Keaton with my dad so Juniper would have this special time with just us. I let her help make dinner one night. She did everything while I instructed and supervised. I downloaded some songs she's been wanting and put them on her ipod Shuffle. Seeing her face light up made my heart soar! I've also tried to be especially sweet with her. It's not always easy. Especially when she hits one of her moods when she is nothing but disagreeable.

In return, I've noticed she seems more appreciative towards me. Doesn't scoff as much when I ask her to do things, such as take the dog out or cleaning her room. Juniper has actually been doing a good job cleaning up her room! These small transformations will help bring together the big gap we have between us.

Day 9...Love Makes Good Impressions

Greet one another with a kiss of love. 1 Peter 5:14

Today's task was to think of a way to greet Juniper and do it with enthusiasm. My greeting should reflect my love for her.

Usually in the morning, when I go to wake her for school, I say "Good morning, beautiful!" I've changed my greeting to her to "Good morning, sweetness." A lot of people tell her how pretty she is, how gorgeous her eyes are. I wanted my greeting to show her how I really feel about her heart. Juniper has such a BIG heart!

I haven't seen any different response from her to this greeting, but along with it, I've tried to be more affectionate. She is not my most affectionate child but I have noticed that Juniper has reciprocated this affection in the last week. I truly think she is beginning to see that I really do love her and that her feelings matter to me.

I pray we continue to grow in the weeks to come.

Day 8...Love is Not Jealous

Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire. Song of Solomon 8:6

Today's task was to determine to become Juniper's biggest fan. To help in this, I'm supposed to take the list of negative things and burn it.

I think I've always been one of her biggest fans, but I tried to be more enthusiastic towards her and things she's done. I didn't burn the negative list. I tore it up until teeny tiny pieces and threw it in the trash! It felt SO GOOD! My daughter is so amazing and it helped me see how much I tend to dwell on all the negative. My God, she must think I don't like her very much! Well, it's going to change. I just hope it's not too late to repair our relationship.

Day 7...Love Believes the Best

[Love] believes all things, hopes all things. 1 Corinthians 13:7



Today's task was to write on two sheets of papers. One for positive things about Juniper and one for negative things. Then I'm supposed to put these papers away for another day, another task I guess. Then we're supposed to pick a positive attribute and thank her for having this characteristic.

Finding positive things to write was not difficult. The negative things were harder and fewer than the positive. The task itself was difficult. Later in the day, I had the opportunity to thank Juniper for some of her attributes. She was putting on a show, singing, dancing. I called her over when she was done and thanked her for being so talented, artistic and creative. I told her it really made my life more fun.

Though things haven't been perfect, I do feel we are getting closer. I don't know if she's noticed much of a difference in me or not. This has actually made me realize that I don't have fun with her. You know, like make jokes, be silly. I'm way too serious with her. It's definitely something I'm going to change.

Day 6...Love is Not Irritable

Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city. Proverbs 16:32

Today's task was to make a list of areas I need to change in my schedule to avoid anger, meltdowns, etc. Also list any wrong motivations I need to remove from my life.


I think our biggest issue is getting Juniper ready every morning. This past week, we've had earlier mornings, allowing more time for her to get ready. The less we rush, the less we fuss. Since we've been doing this, mornings have run smoother. The other situations I become easy angered with Juniper are usually times when I need her to do something in a timely manner and she won't cooperate or she procrastinates. Some of these are bath time, bed time, meals and getting ready to go someplace like church. I try to allow extra time but it doesn't always work that way.


As for wrong motivations I need to remove from my life...this is difficult for me to understand. I guess this is where the Love Dare for a spouse differs. Yes, there are times I am just tired or don't have an extra dose of patience with breakfast. These times, I am short with Juniper. In the past, my mornings have been affected by my irritation with David. I don't have the same "wrong motivations" with my daughter as I do with my husband.

I suppose I need to chalk this one up as I just need to allow more time and patience when it comes to Juniper. Or when it comes to both my children.

I'm ready to move on to my next task!!

Day 5...Love is Not Rude

My task today was to ask Juniper what 3 things I did that really upset her. It was easy to bring up with her and I don't think she thought anything of it. She did tell me that she didn't like when I yelled or popped her or took stuff away from her. I didn't get upset by her telling me these things. Though, besides the yelling, they are consequences to her actions. They will be difficult to change but I will definitely work on the yelling.

I have also been thinking that she and I don't get enough time together. We should have a scheduled time every week to do something together. It would give us both something to look forward to.

Day 4...Love is Thoughtful

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Psalm 139:17

Today's dare was to contact her sometime during the day to ask how she is doing and if there was anything I could do for her. This was difficult since she is in school all day, but I tried my best to be as thoughful as possible with her.

It was a good day. She was up very early with a nightmare but it gave her PLENTY of time to get ready for school. We didn't have the fighting over that like we usually do. When she got home, we all kind of hung out and watched a new movie we got at Blockbuster, then the kids went out to play before dinner. Juniper helped me wrap Keaton's birthday presents while he got a bath. She took her shower after and tonight went off without a hitch. I'm hoping for more of the same tomorrow.

Continuation

It's been a few days since I've written. Okay, it's been 4 days. I was getting very discouraged. This is what happened on those days.

Friday - I went in and helped out in Juniper's classroom until noon. I came back at 2pm for a Muffins for Moms event they were doing for the mommies on the classroom. It was fun! It ended at 2:30pm and Juniper begged me to take her home early, so I did. Then, I wish I hadn't. She got home and stopped being nice to anyone, especially her brother. The whining, crying and yelling was terrible. I was very glad and exhausted when this day was over. Didn't feel much like writing. As I said, I was discouraged. Also, very hurt.

Saturday - Juniper had another make up day at school because of the snow. She was only in school until 12:45pm. I was up and out of the house before she was awake because I went yard saling with my dad. David got her ready for school and said it was a bad morning. It wasn't much better when she got home. I had found her a new lamp, shoes and a bed spread while I was out with my dad. Her room needs updating from the princess stuff and I thought she'd enjoy the extra attention. Well, after a few more hours of the same whining and yelling and I was ready to take it all back! I just don't understand what is happening!

Sunday was Mother's Day. The kids made me a beautiful card. David took Juniper and Keaton to see his mom so I had a morning of peace and quiet. We met at my mom's about 12:30pm and celebrated with my family. The kids pretty much played outside the rest of the day. A pretty good Mother's Day.

I really feel like all I'm doing is complaining. You're probably thinking, "Well, you are complaining!" I know it could all be SO MUCH worse. I'm just at a total loss. BUT I'm not giving up. I'm going to get back on the horse, so to speak, and continue with this Love Dare.

As Juniper once said to me while we waited nearly an hour to talk to a doctor about her ADHD meds, "Mom, I'm worth it." She is. Every second of it.

Day 3...Love is Not Selfish

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Philippians 2:3

Today's task was to continue to refrain from negative comments and to buy the subject something to let them know you were thinking of them.

I knew this day was coming and bought her a cute butterfly watch on Monday. Juniper had been wearing one of my watches a few weeks ago, so I thought she would like one of her own. She loved it and wore it all day. I had her home with me today because she was sick. We went to Blockbuster and rented Princess Diaries. It was really fun watching it together. We even colored while we watched. Keaton was home but was having down time in his room. It was so nice to do something girly and fun together.

Things seemed to be going really well. Then, it started going downhill. After dinner and her bickering with Keaton, a simple request of asking her to put her many pairs of shoes back into her room prompted her to yell at me. During their bath, her and Keaton dumped almost all of the shampoo into the bath water. It was a total mess. Now as I'm sitting here, they keep coming out of their rooms to use the bathroom, to get water, etc. It is so frustrating!

Here's when I start feeling like no matter what I do for Juniper, no matter what activities we do or things I buy for her, I end up getting smacked in the face (not literally). Then it becomes this vicious cycle. I do nice things, she treats me bad, I decide not to do nice things then realize I'm being silly so I do something nice again and it bites me in the butt. It's a constant dance we do. How do we get out of this loop?

I'm tired, I'm frustrated, have zero patience and I probably need to go to bed and end this long day. Tonight, I pray for patience. A lot of patience.

Day 2...Love is Kind

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Eph. 4:32

Do I get a redo on this day?

Day two's task was, again, saying nothing negative along with doing a random act of kindness.

Today was a total wash! Juniper and Keaton are both sick. Keaton is on round 2 of antibiotics for bronchitis and Juniper now has a fever with sore throat. Ugh! The morning went fairly well. Both kids had school today. Luckily, since my beautiful little boy decided to wake me up at 5:50am, I had plenty of time to get lunches ready and get the kids out the door without rushing them.

For dinner, we decided on pancakes. They figured it would be easy on their throats. Since it's Cinco de Mayo, they each got a pancake in the shape of a 5. It went downhill at dinnertime. Didn't even bother with baths tonight. Just straight into pajamas. I let them watch Jumaji for the first time and they loved it. Hopefully they'll get some good sleep tonight. They will both be home with me tomorrow. Pray for me!

On an up note, a couple of months back, Juniper broke her recorder. You know, those long plastic music instruments that are known for playing Hot Cross Buns over and over and over again? Well, since my task was a random act of kindness, I decided to pick up a new one for her. 1) It was a dollar at Wal-Mart. 2) Seeing her precious face light up at the sight at the bright yellow recorder was worth it. I also bought her an inexpensive, roomier, over the door shoe holder. Who knew a 7 year old could have a shoe fetish?!

So, I guess today wasn't a total wash. I'm just sorry she's not feeling better. Maybe I will do today's task again tomorrow, just for good measure. :)

Day 1...Love is Patient

Today's task was to demonstrate patience and say nothing negative. This was especially hard because of a hectic morning, but I did it! Even feeling crummy today, I never raised my voice or said anything negative. It went smoother than expected. I do have to admit though that I couldn't have done it without David's help. I had to get up early to get into MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) at my church to help set up. David helped me get both kids ready while I got myself ready, too.

Juniper got home from school and we got to spend a little time together since Keaton was napping. I had a chance to ask her how her day was, even got a tiny bit of cuddling in. After dinner, we watched a movie as a family. The movie took longer than expected with all the stopping for potty breaks, snacks, etc. Towards the end, we all seemed to be getting a little antsy. Still, everyone kept their cool. Bedtimes are usually something I dread but it wasn't bad tonight.

Juniper came and gave me a good night kiss a few minutes ago. This isn't a nightly routine so it was a special bonus for me. Definite affirmation that it was a good day. There weren't any meltdowns, though she's not asleep yet. I will be shortly though, and wanted to get this in before then.

Praying for another good day tomorrow. No, praying for a better day then today was.

1 day down, 39 to go!!

And So It Begins...

After seeing the movie Fireproof, my husband bought the book Love Dare. He started doing the Love Dare shortly after we started counseling with our pastor this past Fall. Our relationship became much smoother than it had been. All because of simple tasks from this amazing book. Things that are so small yet so meaningful. So let me start at the beginning.

I am a stay at home mom of two. Juniper is 7 years old and Keaton is almost 4. They are both so different, including the relationship I have with each of them.

I found out I was pregnant with Juniper one month after David and I got married. He had recently graduated from NC State at the age of 22 and had found a job during the post 9/11 economy, selling insurance. And yes, the pay was 100% commission. Scary! Luckily, I had been working at an engineering firm for a few years and was making decent enough pay for a 24 year old without a college degree. Needless to say, we were a little shell shocked and a lot scared. Our families were too, but the excitement grew as quickly as my stomach did.

December 8th 2002, Juniper (a.k.a. Junebug or Juniebug) was born. It was love at first sight for both David and I. Never did I imagine I could love someone as much as I loved this little girl. Now I knew how much my mother loved me! Juniper was a great baby. Started sleeping through the night around 6 weeks, had a healthy appetite and was so happy. Unfortunately, as the months went by, the money got tighter and our stress level got higher. Not only did David and I start resenting each other, but our frustrations spilled out on to our sweet little girl. I sit here now and think about that time. We were so young, so inexperienced. I feel like we really screwed her up. We fussed at her over every little thing, raised our voices so much. It's amazing she's as incredible as she is. I know this all seems so minimal compared to other horrible parents and the horrible things they put their kids through. Still, I felt like such a terrible mother!

So, let me get on with it. Juniper, my brilliant, spirited child, started having behavior problems. More so at home than at school. Things like hitting me, licking her palms, even spraying bug repellent on her arm and then licking her arm. I started working closely with a parent teacher counselor through our public school system. After a year of counseling, observation and some testing, Juniper was diagnosed with ADHD about 4 months before she started Kindergarten. At this point, my relationship with her had become so strained. Juniper and David understood each other and got along famously. I, on the other hand, felt like a woman with a stepdaughter who hated me, who loathed me for not being the mother she thought I should be. It was so painful.

Juniper is now almost done with 1st grade. She's so incredibly smart and sometimes seems beyond her years. She has been on ADHD meds for almost 2 years. There are days I feel very close to her but mostly, it's still pretty strained. That's where the Love Dare comes in. If it can help my marriage, why couldn't it help my relationship with my daughter? Starting tomorrow, I will start the Junebug Love Dare. I am really hoping, praying that this will give us the relationship we both so desperately want.

This is for you, Juniebug!